all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
