what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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