Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
