It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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