my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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