There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
farters have to be the big spoon...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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