i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
