They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
