OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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