If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
