I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Are we still banned from the library?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
