the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
nutella sex= disaster
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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