I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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