I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
