i love accidental penises.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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