So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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