friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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