she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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