I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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