I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
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