got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
