I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
