Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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