Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
