2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Will you blow on my dice?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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