Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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