I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
