Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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