you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
