Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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