I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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