Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
