this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
