Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
