Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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