so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
