some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
