Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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