yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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