Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
