just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
