Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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