He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
