girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
