wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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