Your face is a jimmy john
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
