It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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