Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
