it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
