Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
