He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
