fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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