he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
