dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
