we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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